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Last Day of 2018

Today is the last day and it feels like most of 2018, a lot of stress and anxiety. Things are great and I am blessed in comparison to so many, but I cannot seem to get this dark, heavy fog to lift off of me. It has been a year of change and with that change has come this weight.

At work, we have had many shifts or restructurings this year. Many people have had to face whether they would survive that restructure not once, but multiple times in 2018. I am fortunate to have survived, but many of my friends did not. Plus, it only makes those of us that did escape wonder if we are next on the block.

These changes have come every 4-6 months for almost 2 years now so it has become the new norm. However, it doesn’t change the amount of stress we feel first for ourselves and then our colleagues. Some have decided to cut themselves and found other jobs prior to being told to find another job. I am hoping that 2019 brings us some stability so we can focus on the job and being productive.

I am not looking for sympathy as I know I am lucky to have a job and many of the blessings I have. However, even those that are blessed still feel anxiety and pressure. Mine just happens to come with a wave of darkness and depression that is hard to shake. So this is an outlet for me to just vent.

Certainly, many others are struggling with far deeper issues than I. That is the thing about depression, it doesn’t choose only a particular gender, race, economic status, political view, etc. Depression is equal opportunity and doesn’t care about fair or the fact that you feel like it is too much to handle.

Right now it is 3 a.m. and I have work in a couple of hours, but insomnia has joined my list of issues. So what do you do when you are feeling this way? I am trying to meditate and turn to my faith which I know can see me through. As much as I know that deep down, it is still a struggle to convince my mind of it.

I write this in hopes of easing my mind, by getting it out and maybe someone else will feel like another person understands what they are going through. The battle is real with depression and I hope that anyone struggling with it can find an appropriate outlet or resource. I will finish this post with my favorite Bible verse….

Philippians 4:13(NLT)

13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

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